The Burnt Out Sub

 Imagine if you will walking to the bus stop then taking a  tedious bus ride to the next town. Many subs have cars and can arrive to work in less than 10 minutes (Unless they further away). It was a joy to come to work and follow the lesson plans the teachers laid out for me. It was the next best thing to teaching which is what I really wanted to do years ago. Yet the dream seemed further away as reality hit closer to home. After 3 years, I am burnt out.

Always the bridesmaid, but never bride.

After God closed the door for me to become a teacher's aide, I felt he wanted me to go one step higher. That meant school loans and I hated to borrow money yet I had faith I would get a job as a teacher after I graduate and pay them off. It never happened. After my last year, I was met wit disappointment. I failed my exit interview and didn't pass the writing of the teacher's test to get my credentials. I could not go into fifth year, I still had hope that I would teach but in another state. I wanted to teach in Washington State as I had a taste of  living there for awhile.

So what could I do if I couldn't teach after I graduate? I applied for non educational jobs, but no one wanted to hire me. Instead I spent years of living in a fantasy because of my father, and after he had passed away, My sister and I had to take care of our mother for eight years. It was during that time, my dream shifted. Someone on Facebook asked, what made you chose that kind of lifestyle and another doubted it would be an ideal life for me. What was my new desire? Living in Montana as a rancher's wife.

At first, I still wanted to teach, but in a Christian school. I didn't want to have an union boss or be part of an union since they are democratic in nature plus public schools are a government entity. As I found out, the deep state started the education system. I know children in public schools needs Christian teachers but there are teachers called for that. God had given me dreams during the time my father was alive of becoming a Christian one.

And that is what they are. Dreams.

After my mother passed away, I had to find a job. I couldn't yet teach. So could I do? I retook the teacher's test and finally passed it, Imagine that. Only when I decided to become a substitute teacher did I pass the CBEST.  Was becoming a sub a dream come true? Do many potential teachers want to sub in classrooms? Do they not enroll in four years colleges or university to become a teacher? Yet because of my difficulties of passing the exit interview and having my loans in default, the saying above had come to pass in my life. I think the word substitute is so fitting. The students don't treat you like the teacher. They think they can get away with whatever. They think they can trick you into believing what they say is true. I know this from experiencing. In their eyes, you are below the teacher. You don't get their respect as the teacher does. In fact, the teachers are shocked they don't behave as they promised their teachers.

Maybe I am having a midlife crisis.

I am in my fifties. Most potential or new teachers are much younger than me. They have fresh new education while mine is old. When I went to college, they didn't have common core education. I am old school. Most teachers can pay for professional training if they need to. I have learned one thing from my experiences, I am too old to teach. I'm not able to manage he class as I like. Every time, I sub, nothing changes my mind. The joy is gone. I no longer do it for experiences but to bless the teacher who needs to be away and hopefully a light to the students until the Lord opens the door of employment for elsewhere.

I had thought of becoming a rancher's wife. I want to help him on the ranch, I had done my research or so I assumed I had, but a friend alerted to me that its not for me. I guess she would know since she is one herself, but she does not know me nor what I have gone through in my life. I desire a quiet life in the country. I have fallen in love with that lifestyle. And if it wasn't for me, why would God give me a vision of a rancher twice at church? Why hasn't he removed that desire from me? I have tried t renew my desire to teach and it didn't work. So if neither isn't for me, then something is. Only God knows, It may be what he desires me is not what others thinks I should do. 

We are living in an age, where people are believing that Jesus is coming for us soon. If that is the case, I'm fine with that. I can only say that I have my father to blame. How he raised my sister and me, the abuse that we received, has kept us from fulfilling our dreams. Many people have fulfilled theirs, but they don't consider us. They say, "Come Jesus Come" when it really is escapism. They think it will get worst. They have given up on God working in our nation when his ways are higher than our ways.