Volunteering

 I have always wanted to feel useful and so last year in December, I had a desire to volunteer to read to children.  I  did not think I would come across  roadblocks, but I did.
 It began when I entered the library and asked about  reading to children:
Roadblock number 1: (Which really wasn't) I had to call the  person in charge or email her which I did.  The real first roadblock was when I went to their book buddies meeting and  after going through the announcements and all,  Jennifer tells me I should shadow others to  see how it goes and get the feel of it.  I had no problem with it and I was willing to wait til March to sign up. Didn't happen.  The next month, I received a call from her telling me I needed to go to the volunteer orientation meeting which took two hours of my time from my family  and fill out an application.  I thought fine but it meant  I couldn't read to children in march: another roadblock, but I decided okay maybe April.  I went to the orientation meeting and sat through the staff talking about various of volunteer positions in which I had no interest in but others did. I filled out the application knowing full well it may not be accepted. Why?  I had been unemployed and inactive in the community for over ten years! However, I did not know there will be an interview. When I think of interviews, I think of having one for something you would get paid for although my sister  has one for volunteering at the hospital. I just thought  Jennifer's boss would look over the application and decide whether or not  who would  and who would not volunteer.  I emailed Jennifer and asked her to please let me know  whether or not I should show up at the next meeting. She could have said, "I really don't know, Ruthie. Sorry" and I would have not shown up. To me it was a big waste of time.  Last roadblock:  Jennifer told me Is till could not read to children until after the interview. I am tired of all this. I know that everyone else is an exception because  they have been reading to children  for a long time, but it hurts. It hurts  because while they get to  read to children, I have to wait again. Who is to say that I will encounter a dead end at the interview? "Be positive, Ruthie," you say. "You may get to  volunteer. Don't be so hard on yourself."   But you don't know me.  I remembered that the Library is run by the government and maybe that is why applications have to be filled but this is the new way. A way in which I unfortunately came in middle of and because I am new, I have to go through it.
 I am not going to.  I do not  believe that if God wants me there, there wouldn't be so many roadblocks. I believe in his favor and it wasn't working for me. I have waited 3 months to be able to read to children and I keep getting pushed.  Maybe the desire is not for Hanford but for another place.  I had problems with teh library before. I don't belong here. I belong in Washington State wherea ll my desires are

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